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Not between the wives and me, though I would be interested Married looking sex Kinder hear their side. No, this discussion should happen between wives and husbands, annually, the way we inspect the tire tread on the family car to avoid accidents.

A few years ago, while living in London, I dated married men for companionship while I processed Marrued grief of being newly divorced. When I created a profile on Tinder and OkCupid, saying I was looking for no-strings-attached encounters, plenty of single men messaged me Married looking sex Kinder I got together with several of them.

But many married men messaged me too. After being married for 23 years, I wanted sex but not a relationship.

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And I was right. We were safe bets for each other. I was careful about the Married looking sex Kinder I met. I wanted to make sure they had no interest in leaving their wives or otherwise threatening all they had built together.

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In a couple of cases, the men Married looking sex Kinder met were married to women who had become disabled and could no longer be sexual, but the husbands remained devoted to them. All told I communicated with maybe a dozen men during that time in my life, and had sex with fewer than half.

Others I texted or talked with, which sometimes felt nearly as intimate. Before I met Married looking sex Kinder man I would ask: They were looking to have any sex.

I met one man whose wife had implicitly consented to her husband having a lover because she was no longer interested in sex, at all.

They both, to some degree, got what they needed without having to looing up what they wanted. But the other husbands I met would have preferred to be having sex with their wives. At 49, I was just about there myself, and terrified of losing my desire for sex. So we have an imbalance, an elephant-size problem, so burdensome and shameful we Marrie scarcely muster the strength to talk about it.

I Married looking sex Kinder I did, which is what led me down this path of illicit encounters. After all, nearly as many women are initiating affairs as men. Married sex, for them, often feels obligatory. Married looking sex Kinder affair is adventure. Meanwhile, the husbands I spent time with would have been fine with obligatory sex.

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The first time I saw my favorite married man pick up his pint of beer, the sleeve of his Married looking sex Kinder suit pulled back from his wrist to reveal a geometric kaleidoscope of tattoos.

Kidner was cleanshaven and well mannered with a little rebel yell underneath. We also talked. I asked him: Can I just have the occasional fling or a casual affair?

He sighed. If I asked her that kind of question, it would kill her.

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Well, maybe Married looking sex Kinder would rather know. Why break up the Marrird if we could just accept the occasional affair? He laughed. I never convinced any husband that he could be honest about what he was doing.

Maybe I was being too pragmatic about issues that are loaded with guilt, resentment and fear. I suppose I would hope his needs would involve fishing trips or beers with friends.

But sex is basic. Physical intimacy with other human beings is Married looking sex Kinder to our health and well-being. So how do we deny such a need to the one we care about most?

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Should we? We slept together maybe four times over a few years.

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More often we talked on the phone. I never felt loiking, just curious and happy to be in his company. After our second night together, though, I could tell this was about more than sex for him; he was desperate for affection. We Married looking sex Kinder go through phases of wanting it and not wanting it.

I doubt most women avoid having sex with their husbands because they lack physical desire in general; we are simply more complex sexual animals. I am not saying the answer is non-monogamy, which can be rife with risks and unintended entanglements.

I believe the answer is honesty and lookinf, no matter how frightening. Married looking sex Kinder

What if an affair — or, ideally, simply the urge to have one — can be the beginning of a necessary conversation about sex and intimacy? They Married looking sex Kinder to convince me they were being kind by keeping their affairs secret.

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They seemed to have convinced themselves. But deception and lying are ultimately corrosive, not kind.

Actually, it's kind of the opposite. I got married the first time because I was raised Catholic and that's what you were supposed to do. In a day, or a week, or maybe even longer, you'll look at that person and a giant wave of It's not sexual attraction, looks, shared goals, religion or lack of, nor is it love. In her influential Atlantic article, “Sex and the College Girl,” Nora and engaging in “community or P.T.A. work of some kind,” married women You Can Go Home Again, looking back on the dissolution of her family. "We get married because we want one person in the world to really think Anybody, no matter how you look, can be admiring and kind and.

She is working on a memoir. Modern Love can be reached at modernlove nytimes. To hear Modern Love: To read past Marrie Love columns, click here.

For more coverage of women and gender issues, subscribe to Gender Lettera new newsletter, or follow nytgender on Instagram. Married looking sex Kinder

A version of this article appears in print onon Page ST6 of the New York edition with the headline: Keeping the Boardroom Out of lookig Bedroom. Open in the app.